Reason #732 why children should be closer than 15 years apart:

Two-year-olds don’t care how busy you are getting ready for the 17-year-old’s graduation from high school. Sometimes, they just need you to sit still and snuggle with them.

Me: “You will look nice in a tie at graduation and every man should own at least one tie.”
Tommy: “Why? I’m never going to wear it again.”
Me: “What about funerals? You’ll need it for funerals.”
Tommy: “I’m not going to any more funerals.”
Me: “What about my funeral?”
Tommy: “I don’t want to go to that one either.”
Me: “Then, who will carry my casket?”
Amy: bursting with excitement “Me! I’ll carry it!”

Twitter has been down for ages. Maybe not ages, but it’s been down since I wanted to tweet “we’re going to have a new family member” and wait for a reaction. After that, I would have excitedly posted this first picture of the newest family member. Of course, after that, I would have joked that the entire family will be eating mice for the next week, because new babies are expensive. Since I can’t Twitter any of it and I’m too excited to wait, everyone has to promise not to tell the graduate. This is something that he started asking for when he was 4-years-old. He has earned it. No, it won’t be attending graduation. It’s too young for public appearances.

Far more often than I would like, I wander around the room, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I do this with a swiffer mop in my hand. I move slowly, my feet sliding instead of walking, while I stare, blankly at the ceiling. My children wander past and ignore me. Occasionally, one of them will mumble “have fun chasing squirrels” as they stomp away with something from the kitchen pantry. Today, I did my zombie squirrel hunt routine, but couldn’t find the source of the noise. Click, clack, ticka-ticka. I was certain that there was some destruction occurring that a few thwacks of the mop on the ceiling would cease. Ticka-ticka, click, clack. I was getting very frustrated, until, I found the source of the noise. Doug was broadcasting his nervous breakdown. Ignore the fact that he is breaking the rule of a happy marriage that only one partner can be crazy at a time. Instead, focus on the fact that he is accelerating my insanity by making noises like a squirrel eating the rafters. I may have to walk downstairs with a toy vw and punch him in the arm. Hard.

Last Saturday night, Doug, Tommy and I went to Versus. We parked for free in an almost empty parking lot less than a block from Versus. I would have preferred a fuller parking lot. Empty lots are creepy. Versus is just a few doors down from the immensely popular Nama. It is also right around the corner from Volunteer Ministries. From the window, you can see what looks like a living room. Incredibly clean hardwood floors and walls with photographs and prints from local artists with low chairs and love seats placed strategically in front of large televisions. Unlike most living rooms, there are more than half a dozen televisions and they are all wired for gaming. Wii, X-Box, PS3 and even the old fashioned game systems that started it all. In the back of the room are several Macs, but the entire building has free wi-fi.

The place itself is a gamer’s playground, but the owner is an absolutely charming young woman who knows more about every game in the store than any of the gamers in our house. Her name fits her personality, but you’ll have to drop in and introduce yourself to find out that I am right. The owner wants to see more girl gamers in Knoxville. She feels like it is time for girls to stop lagging in math and science and show the gaming world what they can do. She even has an assignment for girl gamers. Make games for girls that don’t have a maturity level of eight-years-old. I have to agree with her. I don’t want to play shoot-fight-destroy games, but I don’t want to play Hamster Heroes either.

Versus has a lower level with tables and chairs like a cafe and a stage for local musicians. It is the perfect place to have a private party. Instead of congregating at Books-a-Million, local teens should get together at Versus. We like Versus so much that this Thursday, we are having a party for the first graduating class from Knox County’s Aspergers classroom at Bearden High School. Parallel play just screams Aspergers. A female owned business in downtown Knoxville is a step in the right direction. Don’t take my word for it. Go see Versus for yourself.

This will be easier when it is past tense and I am reviewing the results of our first LAN. Instead, it is nitty-gritty details time. The most important detail of all - we HAVE a babysitter for the night! Hooray for Grandparents. We have a designated room and the computer equipment, but can’t transport computers and set-up until AFTER Friday morning’s graduation rehearsal but BEFORE everyone gathers at our house for an early dinner. Everyone cross your fingers and do the “no tech issues” dance. At the same time as set-up, we will do some minimalistic decorating. I wonder if we have any clear Christmas lights that are not still attached to our Christmas tree? I think we need some background music that is not part of the game. I could bring my iPod and borrow something to use as speakers or I can bring the portable XM inside and borrow something to make it work inside the building. I’ll have to figure that one out very quickly. The biggest unanswered question is what games to bring and how to have multiple copies. At school, the teens play Unreal and Halo, but the discs belong to a student who doesn’t want to loan them to us for the night. If we buy one game and make copies, will the police arrest us at the LAN or wait until after the party?

Oops, almost forgot one important detail. I am going to use my cell phone to hop online and blog during the night. Between that and Twitter, the evening’s adventure should be well documented.

Natural disasters, wars, accidents, illnesses and George Bush. The news is too depressing to watch. I spent my day cleaning and the house is STILL too filthy for visitors. Doug made me a cake unlike any cake I have ever had before. I asked him to take all the children to Boy Scouts so I could have an hour to myself. I mopped the floors for that hour. Now, I’m out of my cleaning supplies. I’m tired. My hands smell like dust. I still don’t have Tommy’s graduation gift. Or food for Friday. At least I am not hysterical yet.

Pssst, thank you Jay!

My mother is in her 60s, but she has the same love for music that she has always had. Unfortunately, she never buys music for herself. Most of the time, I buy her CDs that are safe and easy bets. Crooners from the 60s & 70s always get played over and over. Bubble-gum boy bands usually meet with her approval. Every so often, I go out on a limb and get something risky. This year, I knew what I wanted to give her for Mother’s Day. The problem was that as much as my mother loves music, she also loves pop culture and I knew that this singer was more familiar to her as someone in the news than as someone on the radio. I seriously considered covering the disc label and putting it in a blank case. Part of the fun of something new is peeling off the wrapping, so I didn’t try to conceal the artist. She opened her gift and looked shocked. “I knew you wouldn’t buy it for yourself, but I really think you will like it.” “No. I would not have bought this. She is a very troubled young person.” Odds of the music getting played based on that reaction? Slim to none. Next time, I’ll just get her the best of the Bee Gees.